Friday, June 4, 2010

Jamakeover

After hearing me whine about needing to get in shape for…well…ever I suppose, you’ll all be happy to know that I’ve finally got the motivation I need to get in shape! My sweet little hubby booked us a trip to Jamaica for our 10th anniversary next year (Woohoo!!). That partnered with the fact that I will be THIRTY in December have fueled me to begin my “Jamakeover”. So the big 3-0 is 6 months away and Jamaica is 12 months away so I’ve got a good map laid out for me I think.

Okay, here’s the part where it’s going to get just a little deep so please feel free to bail from reading this post. This is completely for my benefit. I know I’m usually a light-hearted gal but this is part of my Jamakeover plan. (My self-therapy session) If I completely lay it all out there and everyone knows my business then my theory is that I have to see it through. I'm sure some of you already know all of this because I'll pretty much tell anyone anything they want to know about me but I think that actually typing it out will make me feel like a big enough loser to actually do this.

I’m really hoping to make this a lifestyle change. I eat junk. I eat sporadically. I’ve went days without eating at all until 3pm and then nurse a whole bag of jellybeans until about midnight when I discover I’ve eaten them all. Then I usually feel guilty and throw them up. I eat when I’m not hungry and at all hours of the night (it helps me stay awake to work on pictures-at least that’s what I tell myselfJ) So basically I’m just a pig and I will eat whatever is in front of me at whenever presented. That’s bad enough for me but now I’ve got kids to think about. Kynsley is such a candy lover like her mama and if she sees me eating it then of course she’s going to want some! How can I raise them to be good eaters and have good habits when they're mother is a psycho?

I am TERRIFIED that Kynsley will grow up with the same insecurities that I have and have had my entire life. I was a chubby kid. I mean, really, I was. If I had an old photo I could include in this then I totally would. My grandmother (who I love to pieces and don’t hold responsible for my insecurities) used to tell me I was going to be short & fat and Amanda was going to be tall & slim. Every time I went to the doctor as a kid he talked the entire time about my weight, It was all about how heavy I was, how I needed to stop eating so much, try to be more like your sister (Amanda was always rail thin and I don’t think she hit 100lbs until she was in her twenties), if you’re at a birthday party then it was okay to eat maybe 5 chips but otherwise don’t eat that stuff…etc. That’s what I got every trip to the doctor. Then in 6th grade I got really sick and lost a ton of weight. I don’t remember too much about it but I was out of school for weeks and they were testing me for cancer and all kinds of things. I was at the doctor at least weekly and the doctor was singing praises then about how he loved seeing the numbers on the scale dropping. Then he’d worry about was wrong with me. Well I got better and I don’t know what they ever figured out was wrong but I was well and I was “thin” finally and could share clothes with my sister.

Too late. The damage was done. It wouldn't matter if I weighed 90 pounds right now I’d only see a big fat girl. *(sidenote: I think this therapy is working because I’m about to cry typing this) So I’ve lived my life up to this point with that mindset and I really don’t ever expect for that to go away. It’s drilled in me. I’m fat. It’s a strange thing though because I don’t carry that judgment over to other people, it’s reserved only for me. Rarely do I look at someone else and think they’re fat or overweight but I’m insanely critical of myself. So I’ve lived dieting, enjoying getting stomach viruses just to be able to drop a few pounds and never wearing belts unless they’re high waisted because that just points to my fat waist.

I think one of the reasons I loved being pregnant was because for the first time I didn’t feel fat. I was supposed to have a belly and I felt proud of it. Then after back to back babies I went in for my yearly checkup and my doctor told me that my weight was great and not to kill myself trying to get rid of the baby belly because $14,000 worth of surgery was the only way that was going anywhere. She even suggested gaining a little weight to fill it out more and it would look better (is she crazy?!) and gave me a hand out on why dieting needed to stop. So rather than take her advice I just went through periods of bulimia and struggled with it even more.

Well now I’ve had enough. I’ve got my motivation. I’ve been thinking all along that by the time the kids were old enough to remember I really didn’t want them to have memories of their mother obsessing about her weight all the time. Yeah, that time’s here if not a little passed. I don’t want my daughter to be the one typing something like this 28 years from now. **Another sidenote: I know I keep talking about Kynsley and it sounds like I’m not worried about Bryson but weight issues are tougher for girls it seems. Guys just let it roll off their backs and even if they’re a little chubby they can always be funny, right? ** So, I’m starting now. Actually I started Tuesday, June 1st but I just haven’t had the time to type this up until today. I’ve started eating healthier and staying active. Hopefully my kids will get used to healthy habits. I’m still going to eat cookies and cake and candy but just in moderation- and not for entire meals. I’m going to do it the healthy way this time. My goal is not to be super skinny but to be healthy. Inside & out.

So by form of public humiliation, I have now officially begun! I took my measurements but I forgot to bring them with me so I’ll post those later tonight if I have a chance. But my starting weight is: 132. If you know me very well then you know I must be panicking because I hate to step into the 130’s but I’m handling it pretty well.

I’ve eaten good all week (with the exception of splitting some Mongolian beef with Brooke but I deserved a reward) and I’ve ran or walked almost every night and I feel good! I’m excited. I’m planning to post my figures every week as a way of keeping me on track. So feel free to ask me how it’s going or ask me what I weigh or how far I’m running or walking. It’ll keep me motivated. Jamaica & 30 here I come!

5 comments:

A Lovell said...

Oh Alicia, I had no idea you really felt this way about yourself. It is hard for me to imagine because I look at you and think about how I wish I looked half as good as you...seriously. But I also understand that it doesn't matter what anyone thinks but you when it comes to self image. I'm proud of you for making the commitment to change your lifestyle. I'll support you anyway I can.

"Allie Play" said...

I really didn't know you felt this way either. If it makes you feel any better I struggle with weight issues myself. I am obessive-compulsive...AND I AM NOT throwing that around lightly. About 13 years ago, someone commented about how I was gaining weight...I hit around 130 at the time and for a 5'2 girl that was a little much. So that got me to dieting HARD>>> and not in a healthy way. I can remember taking laxatives, measuring food, not eating and weighing EVERY day. I have carried the same scales with me for 13 years and I treat them like a PRIZED possession. I won't let the DR.s office tell me how much I weigh...I ONLY WEIGH ON THESE SCALES. AND...they may be a lie...but it's the only way to keep sane sometimes. Anyway, my point is, I am insecure about my weight too. Although I lost a lot of weight from my heaviest point, some of it has stuck around since Allie has been born...I go through days thinking I look alright and days where I feel like I look disgusting. I really hope you learn to love yourself...because I think you are a BEAUTIFUL woman inside and out. We all have some bulges to get through every now and then. Good luck to us all...I know how you feel:)

Leanne Helums said...

I didn't know either. You are beautiful inside and out. I think we all struggle with how we look and feel about ourselves. Good luck with your lifestyle change!!

Little Gifts From God said...

I can relate some because when I was little I was always on the chubby side up until I hit sixth grade and all I would hear from the doctor would be about my weight. After I got married I started putting on the pounds and then lost some and now I need to lose again but I enjoy eating! I eat all the kinds of foods that are fatty and then I like to sleep which does not involve exercise. I would love to lose weight but I hate diets. I hate counting points and keeping up with what I eat. I have always had an insecurity issue and I would love to be slim and fit but I know the struggle that I have with fatty foods. You are a perfect size with a beautiful inside. I wish you much luck!!

The Burns Family said...

Alicia, I had no idea! You are beautiful inside and out! So thankful to have you as a best friend....and I am so jealous of the Jamaica trip! Wish our baby would be a little bit older and we would so be going with y'all!!! Love you!